Domestic Violence - Show Me Health

I have a friend who is a mother of four children.  Not once during their early childhood years did she think of discussing domestic violence with them.  Nor did she ever imagine that one of her children would be a victim of domestic violence.  That’s just not something that ever happens to people we know, right?   Wrong!  Domestic violence can happen to anyone. 

Unfortunately, we have a tendency to think of domestic violence in the physical sense.  We forget that verbal blows are just as damaging as physical blows.  The bruises and breaks are not there for us to see but the damage is evident in behavior changes and lack of self-esteem.  What is really sad is so many times the victims themselves do not see the damage being done by the verbal abuse or they justify it by saying “it’s my fault,” constantly blaming themselves for somehow triggering the attack. “He wouldn’t have done it if I hadn’t made him mad,” and so on.  Most victims of abuse will even deny the abuse to their families and friends many times before admitting it.

My friend knows this first hand, as she has now had two family members who have been the victim of domestic violence.  Her daughters didn’t see the name-calling and constant put-downs as abuse, but merely a new couple arguing.  Even after ending up with a concussion, one daughter still didn’t see herself as a victim of domestic violence.  It was her fault, of course, because she had provoked him.  It is very difficult to understand how a person can make excuses for the abuser and want to stay with that person.  Her family member did not want to give up on her marriage.  She believed that her husband could and would change and everything would be just fine.  My friend and her family were stuck in the position of watching from the sidelines, fearing late night phone calls as for a cry for help and hoping for the miracle that her husband truly would be able to overcome his abusive behavior tendencies.  It never happened, and she finally broke free and started a new life for herself and her children. 

First and foremost, if you know someone in immediate danger -- a friend, relative, co-worker, or if it's you -- call 911.

The thought of talking to someone you suspect is being abused -- a friend, relative or coworker -- about the violence may seem uncomfortable or frightening. Many people think it won't do any good. The fact is, by initiating a conversation about the violence, you are showing the victim that you care, and that she is not alone. You are breaking into the isolation. Here are some tips on how to handle the conversation:

1. Listen, don't judge. Her self-esteem, as well as her body, has been shattered. Let her know there is NO reason to be ashamed.

2. Let her know that it's not her fault, and that there is NEVER any excuse for violence in a relationship.

3. Suggest that she develop a safety plan.

4. Tell her how she can get help. Locally, she can call the Safe Haven Center at 646-1753.

5. Let her know she's not alone.

This epidemic of violence -- and silence -- is preventable. Non-violent men can serve as role models for impressionable young boys. They can stand up to abusers and let them know that their behavior is not acceptable. Mostly, they can end the social misperception that domestic violence is a "women's issue". And they can make a difference before it is too late.   Be one of those role models for your children, and be prepared to lend a hand to loved ones stuck in abusive situations. Don’t turn your back on the victim, you may feel helpless and frustrated to silently sit and watch, but there may be a time when your loved one will reach out, and you may be the only one she can call for help. 

This Saturday, October 11^th, the Domestic Violence Dinner Auction & Benefit will be held at the Chillicothe Elks Lodge beginning at 5:30 p.m. with a social hour.   There will be an abundance of main auction and silent auction items to bid on and a delicious dinner buffet of glazed baked pork chop, cheddar ranch potatoes, green beans, two salads, assorted desserts and beverages provided by Chillicothe Hy-Vee.   Tickets are available at Lauhoff Jewelry or at the door the evening of the event.  All proceeds from the auction will be used at our local shelter.

All services of the Livingston County Health Center are provided on a non-discriminatory basis.