I have a
friend who is a mother of four children.
Not once during their early childhood years did she think of discussing
domestic violence with them. Nor did she
ever imagine that one of her children would be a victim of domestic
violence. That’s just not something that
ever happens to people we know, right? Wrong!
Domestic violence can happen to anyone.
Unfortunately,
we have a tendency to think of domestic violence in the physical sense. We forget that verbal blows are just as
damaging as physical blows. The bruises
and breaks are not there for us to see but the damage is evident in behavior
changes and lack of self-esteem. What is
really sad is so many times the victims themselves do not see the damage being
done by the verbal abuse or they justify it by saying “it’s my fault,”
constantly blaming themselves for somehow triggering the attack. “He wouldn’t
have done it if I hadn’t made him mad,” and so on. Most victims of abuse will even deny the
abuse to their families and friends many times before admitting it.
My friend
knows this first hand, as she has now had two family members who have been the
victim of domestic violence. Her
daughters didn’t see the name-calling and constant put-downs as abuse, but
merely a new couple arguing. Even after
ending up with a concussion, one daughter still didn’t see herself as a victim
of domestic violence. It was her fault,
of course, because she had provoked him.
It is very difficult to understand how a person can make excuses for the
abuser and want to stay with that person.
Her family member did not want to give up on her marriage. She believed that her husband could and would
change and everything would be just fine.
My friend and her family were stuck in the position of watching from the
sidelines, fearing late night phone calls as for a cry for help and hoping for
the miracle that her husband truly would be able to overcome his abusive
behavior tendencies. It never happened,
and she finally broke free and started a new life for herself and her
children.
First and
foremost, if you know someone in immediate danger -- a friend, relative,
co-worker, or if it's you -- call 911.
The thought
of talking to someone you suspect is being abused -- a friend, relative or
coworker -- about the violence may seem uncomfortable or frightening. Many
people think it won't do any good. The fact is, by initiating a conversation
about the violence, you are showing the victim that you care, and that she is
not alone. You are breaking into the isolation. Here are some tips on how to
handle the conversation:
1. Listen,
don't judge. Her self-esteem, as well as her body, has been shattered. Let her
know there is NO reason to be ashamed.
2. Let her
know that it's not her fault, and that there is NEVER any excuse for violence
in a relationship.
3. Suggest
that she develop a safety plan.
4. Tell her
how she can get help. Locally, she can call the Safe Haven Center at 646-1753.
5. Let her
know she's not alone.
This
epidemic of violence -- and silence -- is preventable. Non-violent men can
serve as role models for impressionable young boys. They can stand up to
abusers and let them know that their behavior is not acceptable. Mostly, they
can end the social misperception that domestic violence is a "women's
issue". And they can make a difference before it is too late. Be one of those role models for your
children, and be prepared to lend a hand to loved ones stuck in abusive situations.
Don’t turn your back on the victim, you may feel helpless and frustrated to
silently sit and watch, but there may be a time when your loved one will reach
out, and you may be the only one she can call for help.
This
Saturday, October 11th, the Domestic Violence Dinner Auction &
Benefit will be held at the Chillicothe Elks Lodge beginning at 5:30 p.m. with
a social hour. There will be an
abundance of main auction and silent auction items to bid on and a delicious
dinner buffet of glazed baked pork chop, cheddar ranch potatoes, green beans,
two salads, assorted desserts and beverages provided by Chillicothe
Hy-Vee. Tickets are available at
Lauhoff Jewelry or at the door the evening of the event. All proceeds from the auction will be used at
our local shelter.
All services
of the Livingston County Health Center are provided on a non-discriminatory
basis.
